Part 2: The Beginning
A love that was supposed to last a lifetime.
The end of a seven year relationship was supposed to be brutal. Soul shattering. Catastrophic. Surprisingly it was far from it. Well, for the most part.
She was cordial, kind even, despite sharing a space with the person she had unfortunately mistaken for a life partner. She happily accepted the couch and their new found title: roommates. They were trapped in a lease and she had no means to terminate or leave early. Finances had always been an issue, but she couldn’t dwell. There was no time for self-pity. So the countdown to her exit began.
A veil of embarrassment fell over her when news of the breakup spread.
“How the fuck are you so calm? Why didn’t you tell us? And you’re still living there with him?” The questions spewed out and all she could do was laugh, mostly at herself. Little did they know this had been years in the making. This outcome was inevitable
Life goes on and the only mantra to live by at that point was “I’m going to be okay.” Repetition was key.
That mantra quickly turned into a repeated question she asked herself daily: How on earth was she going to make it three more months in these living conditions? Between him being in denial to him asking to stop sharing locations with one another, then being pissed when she followed through with his request, shit was hard. Exhausting. There was no home here.
She had no idea how the money for first, last, and security was going to magically appear, but if she was holding onto this promise, God was going to find a way. She was sure of it. Without a doubt nor a warning, apartment hunting began.
Touring apartments was easy. The real feat, besides money, would be furniture. The only pieces in her possession were a dresser and night stand. Unfortunately, the furniture she purchased for her very first apartment had been ruined by bedbugs, apparently a city row home disaster nothing could have prepared her for. With that, they had graciously accepted his family’s help with new furniture two apartments back. The feeling of now not owning these major items was shameful, especially at a time like this. However, her desperation to be in her own space was greater than her need for furniture. A mattress was her only focus and so a mattress was what she ordered.
Unplanned, the large box arrived while she was at work and was left outside in the rain. She’d be damned if her first major purchase would be stolen. With no other choice, she called and asked him to push it inside. After all, it was the absolute least he could do after everything, especially for a roommate. You can imagine the shock when he realized he was pushing a mattress inside their shared apartment.
“Why did you order a mattress? You can sleep in the bed, I can take the couch.”
“The mattress and bed frame upstairs is yours. I need a mattress for when I leave.”
Silence filled the room and she carried on.
This was expected. She wasn’t strong enough to walk away for all these years and now it was finally happening. It was obviously hard for him to come to terms with her decision. He had gotten away with it all for so long, accustomed to her returning again and again. Now, his new reality was finally staring back at him.
The money appeared. She practically begged the new property manager to approve her application and expedite a move-in date. She was tapping out early. Nothing left could be said between them without hostility. She tried her best to stay quiet, keep to herself, avoid saying the worst in response to his bullshit. With what little energy she had left, it was not and could not be wasted on him any longer.
After a much needed girls getaway, her friends agreed to help move her in three weeks time. They all agreed that she’d pack up and be ready the morning of their arrival. It’d be a quick and painless transition.
Well, she axed that plan. Their interactions became unbearable. Day after day, night after night, every little moment became her own version of hell. She was suffocating and she couldn’t wait for anyone to save her.
It was time to leave. So, she packed her car to the brim so many times she lost count. In the dead of winter, she carried all that she could to and from, sweating through layers of clothing.
This new chapter was beginning, whether she was ready or not.
At the end of what one could only describe as a grueling and backbreaking night moving her stuff to the new place, he’d officially thrown seven years away with one text. A threat. She knew it was bad between them, understood they weren’t meant for one another, but she never thought it’d reach this level.
She didn’t respond. Rather than the feeling of fear or heartache, relief settled in. This was yet another sign she had made the right decision.
On the last night she sent a text he surely didn’t deserve: “I have one more trip and then we’re leaving.” However, no response, which meant no official goodbye. She was more than okay with that.
The final car load included a few utensils to hold her over, the last of her laundry, a dog bed, and her fur baby. Finally, it was just the two of them. A deep breath filled the car, her heart rate eased, and they drove off for the last time.
Boxes, trash bags full of clothes, and mess greeted them beyond the new front door. And oh, what an amazing feeling. She packed what she could and let go of almost anything that could be replaced. This mess, these belongings waiting to be unpacked, were hers and only hers.
After she cleared a path and straightened up what she could, she had just enough energy to make her bed. Her bed, in her home. Thank God.
She showered in dim light and complete silence. Depleted, she skipped out on an extensive skin and night routine and climbed right into fresh bedding. The deep sleep she’d been yearning for awaited her.
Sunshine warmed her face the next morning and of course, a wet nose grazed her hand hanging from the bed, informing her it was time to get up. “It’s just us, bub” she reminded him, though deep down he knew she was his human from the very beginning of his life. They both knew.
Looking around the bedroom, boxes tucked away in the corner, her anxiety was almost non-existent and stomach knotless. She accepted the ending of them with ease. She blocked the noise and moved forward in silence.
This very beginning she thought she wasn’t ready for, suddenly felt long overdue.
